June Cleaver

"I really wish I had one of those safe can openers that Pampered Chef sells." This was the last thought that went through my mind before the thought, "oh no, not again".

I am no June Cleaver. I do not clean unless I think someone is coming over. I do not iron if I have time to run my dryer to get the wrinkles out. I also do not cook, nor do I claim to. With that being said, I woke up a couple of Sundays ago with an incredible imagination (reflecting on the day, I think the word imagination is the best choice). I woke up as June Cleaver. I immediately started laundry, did my weekend couponing, mealed planned, and executed my shopping all before 4:00. I was so proud. I was so proud, in fact, I didn't tell Chris (he was on duty). I wanted to surprise him. I was actually ready to tell him that I had become the domestic goddess he didn't marry. This all came to an abrupt end around 5:00. Forget not being able to toast a piece of bread without burning it, I clearly have no business opening a can either. I sliced my finger so bad that you would have thought I hit a major artery. It was nasty.

Naturally, Chris was on duty. A year and a half ago when I released a monkey ladder on my foot, broke a couple bones, and required stitches (hence the "not again" thought), he was also on duty. 2 months after that when I slipped and fractured my ankle, he was on duty. Why would it be any other way? Anyway, just like the foot mishaps, my incredible neighbors were there to save the day. They took all 3 of my babies. They fed them and even bathed them for me (along with their 2).

Although my neighbor offered to take me, I decided to take myself for the stitches. This was clearly not one of my better ideas since I had cut the artery in my right hand in which I write with. Who knew the 12 year old at the desk would not sign me in? Who knew the 12 year old at the desk could not transfer the information from my licence and insurance card she copied on the 25 pages of paperwork? Who knew my sweet neighbor would have to come down anyway to fill out my address because the 12 year old wouldn't? I would love to have a picture of the look on my face when she told me to "let her know when I contacted someone to fill out the paperwork for me". I cannot imagine that one of her strengths is reading facial expressions since she still didn't offer, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe my face didn't express my true feelings. None the less, my neighbor came to write my address and insurance information for me. Seriously.


I cannot even begin to tell you everything I witnesses, overheard, or speculated during my four hour visit; but trust me, it was more than I could have ever dreamed of. Although they have rooms there, I am not sure they are used for anything other than triage. After they do all the initial check in stuff, they put you in a back room where only curtains separate you from other patients. Where I am thankful this is not the setting I birthed my children, I do admit, I enjoyed this setting for something much less exciting. I was able to hear lab updates, patient information, and even treatment plans of/for particular patients without breaching confidentiality (well, I couldn't see them and I didn't know their names). Luckily, I do not have a weak stomach, but when the lady with the stomach flu entered, I questioned this. After listening to her vomit multiple times, I started to giggle a little thinking "this cannot be happening to me". When she explained that her suppository would not stay in, I lost it. I started laughing and could not stop. I was trying so hard to keep it contained that I was crying. As luck would have it, the doctor walked in. I think she thought my tears were those of sadness, but I made up some comment referencing a text and she said "I understand". She returned shortly there after to stitch me up. During this time we had a nice conversation with an occasional pause as my suite mate continued to vomit.


Where I would have loved to have seen my one day as June Cleaver come to fruition, I have to admit, I really did enjoy my stay at Urgent Care. It brought me endless entertainment, a lot of laughter, and as most mothers would likely agree...a few hours of "me" time.

The "Talk"

"Mom, did you know I have hair under my armpits?" (She proceeded to provide me with a visual.) This is how dinner started one night this week.

Not knowing how to respond, I said "Would anyone like butter on their biscuit?". Regardless of how educated you are, how many questions you have asked other mothers of girls, you are never ready. I spent that evening worrying about how I was going to tell her, what I was going to tell her, and when I was going to tell her. Fortunately, the following evening, I would have about 45 minutes in the car, just she and I.

There are two different types of people in this world; people who think this is a beautiful thing and an exciting time in a girl's life; and those who think, "that poor kid, she is about to experience, hair (that you shave off), cramping that makes you miserable, hormones that make you want to hurt people, and weight gain that you will forever fight." I am the latter of the two. But as a side note: I do enjoy a good episode of 'Snapped' on Oxygen when I have PMS.

The next day I call my mom who says, "Can you please video record this for me?" She offered no advice, just a little 'payback giggle'. I call my husband on my way to get her, expressing my anxiety, and he basically responds with "I don't want to talk about this. What do you want for dinner?" So I head to the book store, bought a book for her, and I sat in the parking lot of the store reading...reading about what does happen and how I can explain it to an 11 year old. Although I believe in being honest with your kids, I wasn't sure if the cynical approach was appropriate.

There really isn't a good segway when broaching such discussion, but I did it. I had the "talk" with my daughter. I do have a few friends of her to thank for "previewing" the subject, but I am glad she heard most of the details from me. Oh, and I am not sure who told her that you can be arrested for having sex, but thank you. :)

When we got home, my sweet husband had a drink waiting on me. (I likely requested it, but nonetheless it was there.) When Allie went upstairs to change, I explained to Chris that she knew we had an 'open door policy' if she had questions. I believe his exact response was "the hell we do!". I would like to think he was kidding, but I doubt it.

A couple days later I asked Allie if she had looked at the book and if she had any questions. She said she did and leaned in as if it was a private question. I braced myself only to be asked, "Mom, does your face really grow as you get older?"

I would not count this as a "bucket list", but I cannot tell you how thankful I am that it is off whatever list it is on.

Should I be Worried?

Confession: All three of my children have watched the show COPS since birth.

My first degree was in Criminal Justice and I spent a VERY short time working in an intensive probation (just short of prison) program. That "opportunity" came to a quick end when a very large man, three times my size, attempted to wrap his hands around my neck when I asked for a random drug test. Honestly, I don't even remember quitting, but I don't remember returning either. Anyway, I think COPS and JAILED fills that void in my professional life. Some days I honestly think, "wow, although not one of my better parenting decisions, it does model for them what not to do." Then there are the other days...


If you have had the opportunity to read my quotes page, you may have noticed BK's question regarding riding in the back of the police car with her one day. Well, this conversation came back up at my parent's last weekend. BK told my mom that "if she ever gets arrested, she will be sure to use her manners and use yes ma'am, no ma'am, yes sir, and no sir." I am not sure whether I should be proud or worried.

PS... I promise you this...they have never seen the HO! HO! HO! episode.

Winging It

A couple years ago I was at a meeting where a parent asked me if I had any videos on parenting. (This may strike some of you as strange, but if you too worked in the public school system, you would know this is just another day in the life of an educator.) I politely smiled and said "No, I'm just winging it."

As I reflect on 2011, I have a litany of things I should probably do differently or, at best, tweak. My parenting skills make the top of this list. In 2012 I am considering conducting a head count before heading home for the day. There are 3 of them and for whatever reason, I tend to forget one or two from time to time. You may think I am kidding, but it is a weakness, I admit it. Only once have I gotten all the way home and realized I was short a kid. Sadly, it wasn't until the sitter called and said, "do you want me to feed her dinner tonight?". I tried to play off my oversight, but I am not sure she fell for it.

I am also going to try to be a little more observant when I am giving teacher gifts. As a former teacher myself, it is nice to receive a gift intended for me, not another teacher. My deepest apologies to 2 teachers this Christmas, as they were victims of this blunder. Again, with 3 kids, at least 2 teachers each, that is a little more organization than I tend to have on a day to day basis, but I will work on it.

Lastly, I am going to try to be more creative with dinner on the nights Chris is away. If you read the post about Allie and the toaster, you would know that I do not cook. As a matter of fact, I hate to cook. If I could build a house without a kitchen, I would, but I am afraid the resale value would not be as good. So, anyway, I will start small. "Creative" may be defined as a different route home, which would allow for eateries other than the standard McD's, Chick-fil-a, and Wendy's. I firmly believe this counts. I would love to commit to homemade dinners on those evenings, but I know my limits. That is not an attainable goal (for me).

For those of you who are concerned that these changes may limit the number of blog entries, please do not worry; remember, I am just "winging it".

Sybil

With a job that requires me to be at work by 7:00, 3 kids, and a husband who works 24 hour shifts, I am often asked, "How do you do it?".

I will tell you exactly how I "do it". I wake up 45 minutes before I am supposed to leave (*please note that it takes me about an hour to get ready). I take a shower then start waking the troops. Fortunately for my kids, I am a morning person; well, for about 5 minutes while I am singing a "Good Morning" song to wake them. Then some may describe my personality change, similar to Sybil (the 1976 film with Sally Field about a girl with dissociative identity disorder...a.k.a. multiple personalities).

I have to get them all up in a different manor. Although Allie says she doesn't like my singing, she will smile, and eventually get out of bed on her own. She will usually get up and start getting ready without too many reminders. On occasion, I will have to give her some verbal prompts to start the next task, but for all intents and purposes, she gets dressed without incident. The tears usually start about the time she begins fixing her hair. I never really know what brings the tears on, but I don't ever have time to figure that out. No one has ever died from crying, there is no blood, and in all honesty, I have too much to do to counsel a preteen at 5:45 am. Next, I wake BK. I often describe waking BK as walking into an angry lion's den. Luckily, I have never had to walk into a lion's den, but I have been to the zoo. Those big cats don't look happy and they have the same look in their eyes that BK does at 5:45. You have to start slow. First, you turn on the hallway light and walk away. About 5 minutes later, you turn on her closet light...I will not bore you with the details, but trust me, the 20 minute process is not long enough. We have all learned to stay out of her path. I have been known to toss her clothes in her general direction and run. Again, picture throwing a steak at one of those angry cats at the zoo. Zookeepers are not idiots, they do not stick around and watch them eat. Well, I am not an idiot either. Although we learned the hard way, we do keep our distance from her in the morning. Waking Tucker is my "first/then" reward. For my behavior friends...if I "first" wake BK, "then" I get to wake Tuck. So far, he is much like Allie. He is smiley and happy in the mornings and almost always tells me I am "the best mommy".

By the time they all 3 are up and getting ready, my 2nd personality will rear it's head. This personality does not include singing. She is usually reminding people of the time, explaining that we "should already be downstairs by now", asking why no shoes are on, etc.

As we start the descent downstairs, I usually have at least 2 in tears. This is when personality #3 comes out. Personality #3 is a screamer. She gets very upset if we are running late; which is almost always. She really does not know how to say "pick out your breakfast and get in the car" in an inside voice.

Personality #4 does not use nice language... She is always shouting how much she hates mornings, how no one listens to her, and how she is "over the fighting". She has also been known to shout an occasional "I wish your father had to do this every morning before work."

Eventually, we all get in the car and start on our way. About 2 out of 5 mornings, we don't make it out of the neighborhood without returning for a forgotten item. If this happens, usually personality #4 sticks around.

Once we are at the point of no return, either my main personality returns or a much sweeter personality comes out. The difference between my personality and the sweeter one, is that the sweet one will apologize for all the other personalities.

About 30 minutes later, we arrive at the sitter's house where all three get dropped off. Assuming we have not missed the bus and no one is anxious about school, they all typically get out with a smile, and I continue on my merry way to work.

Once I get to work, I usually realize that I am still jamming to Radio Disney...that is, unless we are listening to Red Solo Cup. :)

If you cannot relate to this, I want whatever you are taking.

Our last trip to Brusters

*This story is being shared by the request of my sister. I hope you enjoy Bruster's misfortune as much as she did/does.

"Um, mom, what was that?" That was the phrase that I will never forget. To this day, whenever I hear that phrase, I get a little tear in my eye and a huge grin on my face. That was the day that I mistook the landscaped curb for a straight-away in the Bruster's drive-thru.

One Friday afternoon, I wanted to treat (myself) my kids to a delicious bowl of Bruster's ice cream. To this day, I am still unsure as to whether Bruster's was closed or they were busy with walk-up customers, but no one ever took our order. That is when things went a little awry. For those of you who vertically challenged and drive a vehicle in the sport utility family, I am sure you can completely relate, but it is (at times) difficult to see over the hood. I am really not sure why I didn't stay in the drive-thru path, but I didn't. I went straight; straight over a curb and right over 2-3 full bushes. I wish I could say the bushes went right back up into the upright position, but they didn't. They were drug, and eventually dislocated themselves from the underside of my car in the car wash parking lot I entered when I made the "skip the drive-thru" decision. All that was left was a bush stump on the landscaped curb.

Like every MOTY, it initially crossed my mind to blame the kids for distracting me. However, since I was laughing uncontrollably (because this is something my mom would have done), I opted for the "uh-oh. I never saw those bushes." explanation. I pretty much left it at that, continued through the parking lot, and drove straight to Dairy Queen.

Family Photos

Taking Bowen family photos can suck the happiness out of just about anyone. I used to take medication for this, but over the years I have learned to accept the fact that either I pay a third party to take them or I just take the picture and move on. Besides, if I didn't, how would I be able to post these pictures? I am seriously considering a layout of out-takes for next years Christmas card.

I think you will find a pattern. Enjoy.


An attempt at this year's card (2011).

The happiest place on Earth...for most.

The North Georgia Fair

St. Simons

Ah, yes, an attempt at a Christmas picture in 2010.

A (surprise) family trip to Opryland Hotel in Nashville in 2010.